Then the call came. You’ve waited two weeks. Made yourself sick with every symptom good or bad. I had played out both scenarios countless times but when that phone rang, my whole body went numb. I had this sick feeling in my stomach that the news was bad. And it was. The words no IVF patient wants to hear. Not pregnant.
The next few months were just a blur. I remember so many days when I couldn’t even get out of bed because my heart was so heavy. We had invested so much time, money, strength and emotional energy and were left with broken hearts. I had no idea how to even begin picking up the pieces. I cried a lot. More than I think I’ve ever cried in my life. It took me a long time to be able to even go out in public for a few hours and hold myself together. Being around people was hard. Social settings were hard. I didn’t have the energy to pretend that I was ok.
It’s been a year since we walked that road and there are days that I still feel like I am putting the pieces of my heart back together. In the darkest of moments, I am so grateful for the hope and promise that one day I will get to meet my babies. I dream about what they would look like. What their personalities would be like. But then the Lord meets me where I am and shows me that He is enough. That His mercies are new every single day. That His promises of Heaven are true. And because of these things, I know I will be ok.
I don’t wish infertility on anyone. It is the hardest thing we have ever endured. We don’t have a light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know that we will ever be given a baby this side of Heaven. But the Lord has placed before me an incredible platform to share my story and encourage women. I’ll never forget the first time I shared. The messages, comments, texts and emails were unreal. So many people walk this road in silence. If you haven’t struggled with this, chances are you know someone that has.
In the midst of this incredibly hard season, we have been loved so well by so many people but we have also endured a lot of heart ache from people. Comments, questions, hurtful things. There was a season when we had to walk away from some friendships that just weren’t building us up. As challenging as it has been, I am so grateful for the Lord’s promises and for His provision. At times when we felt most alone, He has surrounded us with an incredible community. He provided people for me to talk to that get it. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to spend time with someone that has walked this road. You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t have to pretend. It’s like this unspoken understanding of the heart ache that molds an instant friendship.
Then there are those that don’t get it and they don’t try to. They are simply just there for you. They listen when you need to talk. They are your shoulder to cry on when you need it. They don’t try to tell you what to do. Or give you false hope like “It’s going to happen for you.” They are so grounded in truth that they just pour His promises on you. Promises not for a baby, but that no matter what He is good and He loves me. Then there are those that don’t get it. They have never been through something hard in their life so they can’t possibly understand. They have good intentions but they say all the wrong things. They try to tell you what to do. Ask you questions that don’t even matter. Sometimes, people focus so much on what to say instead of just loving people. No matter what you say or do, you won’t be able to take the pain away. So just be there. Love people. Ask how you can help. Ask how you can pray for them. Ask about things that help encourage them and do it. That’s what friends are for. And I am so grateful that the Lord has blessed me with those kind of people. Our friends and family have surrounded us with love, encouragement and prayer that has carried us through the darkest of times. I see Jesus in them every single day. And because of that, I know that even if the Lord never answers our prayers for a baby, we will be ok.