In November, Daniel and I mourned the month we would have brought our child into the world. Though the Lord still hadn’t blessed us with a child, I felt a sense of relief. I think the Lord gently let me know that becoming pregnant again wouldn’t take away the pain of losing our first child. A pregnancy couldn’t compensate for our loss. I had put so much hope and longing in conceiving before our previous due date, hope and longing that really belongs to the Lord.
As Daniel and I approached the year mark of trying to conceive, we started thinking about infertility testing. I actually had a positive pregnancy test in February 2015, but it ended up being a chemical pregnancy, which occurs when the fertilization process starts but doesn’t complete.
In April of 2015, I had my first infertility appointment. My first series of tests came back normal. It sounds strange, but I was hoping they would find something so that we could pinpoint the problem and correct the issue. I went in for more tests a week later, and those also came back normal. My doctor suggested I take a pregnancy test a few days later; if it came back negative, we would start the next round of infertility tests. Of course, I assumed it would be negative. Normally, after I took a test, Daniel and I prayed while we waited for the results. This time I didn't even tell Daniel. To my surprise it came back positive!
I shared the news with Daniel and we both felt the same way. Unfortunately, the only experience we’d had in seeing a positive pregnancy result eventually led to heartbreak. I had three blood tests in the following weeks to watch my levels. Everything looked normal at that point. During my sixth week, I had my first sonogram. My legs felt like tree trunks as I waited in the sonogram room. The last time we had been to see our child’s heartbeat, there was none. To our great joy and relief, we saw a sweet little flicker on the screen. I have my next appointment today. I am eight weeks along. I am so fearful, but I know that the Lord is before me. All I can do is pray and trust in the Lord. I am begging Him to protect our sweet child, but I will love and trust Him no matter the outcome.
If I’ve learned anything throughout this past year it is that Jesus is enough. Jesus is more than enough. In this world He is the only sure thing. How amazing is it when we don’t have to wonder whether our souls have been saved? How amazing is it when we don’t have to wonder whether we will spend eternity in heaven. Jesus has paid the cost for our sins because of nothing we have done or ever will do. I am hopeful for this precious child growing inside me and pray that we get to kiss those sweet cheeks, but I know that if we don’t, God will sustain and carry us through whatever lies ahead.