The past few weeks have been really tough. Diving back into this whole world of testing and treatments again has brought back every emotion. As much as I felt ready and at peace about this step, I wasn’t fully prepared for all the emotions I would be walking back into. I don’t think you can ever fully prepare your heart for it.
We have officially started the process of taking the next step to try IVF one last time. I have wrestled with what to share or if I should even share at all. Sharing the journey publicly opens us up to prayer, support and encouragement, but it also comes with expectations. I feel like all of you have been such a big part of our journey and have prayed for us so diligently, so I want to share updates. But, we also ask that as we enter this phase you give us the space to handle all the emotions that are about to come our way. IVF is a really daunting process. The two weeks of hormones are enough to make anyone crazy. Not to mention the diets leading up to it, the piles of supplements, the blood tests, the changes in your body. If you haven’t walked through it with anyone, it’s pretty awful. It will be a few months before we are actually out in Denver starting the process, but there’s a lot of prep work we have to put our bodies through to get to that point. Fertility diets, no caffeine (hello headaches), diligent exercising, yoga, acupuncture, lots and lots of supplements, etc.
Here’s the honest truth about where I’ve been: I have put this off for far too long because I was living in fear. Biblically, I know this isn’t what we are called to do, but when you have had your heart smashed into a million pieces, it’s just so hard to put yourself out there again. We have been in such a good place that I was afraid to rock the boat. I also wrestled so much with the money. It’s A LOT of money ($30,000+ to be exact). I was having lunch with our Art Director, Koral, that started the Give Grace campaign for us and she asked where we were at. Koral is so faithful in asking the hard questions, not pushing me when she knows I am not ready, but then pushing me when she feels like I need it. And I definitely needed it. So at lunch I was sharing with her my fears and my heavy heart over spending that kind of money. She looked at me and said “Megan that is what we all raised this money for. For YOU. If we spend the money on IVF and it doesn’t work and you need more money to adopt, we will raise it again.” This was exactly what my heart needed to hear. To feel the freedom to move forward without feeling guilty. Making that step of saying that we are going for it has forced me to overcome my fear and face this really challenging thing that lies ahead. I have never been one to run from hard things, but I justified it by finding other things that needed to come first.
So, we are going for it. Am I still scared? Yes. Doubt creeps in almost every day but that is a spiritual battle that must be fought in prayer. I am learning more and more that there is no room for shame in the story that God is writing. This is His story. And He is calling me to step out of my introvert comfort zone and share with you in hopes that it offers some encouragement. My hope is that some of you reading this can relate. That my story makes you feel less alone. That you might have experienced these feelings too and feel less crazy. With each step, we are called to trust the Lord. I know in my heart of hearts that He has gone before us and that is comforting. And even if His answer is no again this time, we will be ok. God will wrap His loving arms around us and give us the strength to endure just like He did before.
Last month marked our first step in the journey – the fertility diet and then follow up testing with Dr. Schoolcraft two weeks ago. We are officially on the books for IVF in October. Will you pray for us? For clarity. For peace. That God would protect our hearts. For Dr. Schoolcraft, his nurses, his embryologist, and everyone else that works in his clinic. That God would use them as a vessel to give us a baby. That God would prepare our bodies and our hearts to endure.
I am so grateful for every one of you. I have felt so prayed for and encouraged over the past two years. Moving into this next phase, Blake and I are going to need your encouragement, grace and prayers more than ever. As we have walked this journey and continue to do so, I hope I have encouraged you to be a more vulnerable and to share the things you are walking through. Life is just a little bit easier when we do it together.
Lots of love,